Pretty Little Liars

It was July 1st of last year, and the weather was horrible.  As I sat on the sofa — aimlessly sifting through the programs on Netflix — I thought to myself, “I need to watch something I’m ashamed of”.  After already having watched all four seasons of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (including the holiday specials — I know, how could I top the shame associated with this?), I knew I had some searching to do.

That’s when this happened.

Something inside of me told me that this show could fill the void  I’d been struggling with for months.  So, I hit that “watch now” button and nothing has been the same since.

I should dislike this show for the following (but not limited to) reasons:

  1. I hated high school.
  2. I’m still having an identity crisis.
  3. I’m 35.

However, I found myself through the entire 24 episodes of season one and half way through season two just 36 hours after I started.  It would have been less if I didn’t have to sleep.

I literally found myself incapable of turning away from this show.  The strangest part about me liking Pretty Little Liars is I thought the show was ridiculous at first.   A teacher dating a student, half brothers and sisters making out, sisters sharing boyfriends, and a mother who would fuck a cop just to get her daughter out of a shoplifting charge.  Then I remembered, that’s just how upper-middle class people live.  They make their own drama.

I have to say, I find the idea of  a mystery texter stalking me far more exciting than worrying about how I’m going to pay my bills each month.  Clearly, I’m doing drama all kinds of wrong.

I know, it’s just fucking tv.  See, I invite myself to these “logic” parties with tv plots and characters all of the time, like, I’m all annoyed that they try to do anything remotely outside of what could be considered realistic.  I mean, hello, those girls were seniors in high school for three and a half seasons.  Though, when you think about it, for the amount of times they skipped classes due to being arrested, institutionalized, kidnapped and run over by cars, it’s not that unrealistic.

So, for those of you who do not watch Pretty Little Liars (what IS your damage?) the second half of season 6 premiered on January 11th on Netflix (or if you live in America on Freeform — previously known as ABC Family).  The current season picked up five years after the finale of the first half of season 6, when the liars finally learned who had been stalking them since season 1.  Now, five years later, the girls have all been summoned back to Rosewood.   Of course, (with the exception of one Liar), they all have schmoozey jobs and disposable income at the age of 23.  When I was 23, I made $28,000 a year and lived in an illegal apartment in NY with my  37-year-old alcoholic ex-boyfriend.

Still, I can’t stop watching this show.  It’s completely addicting.  Maybe what I really enjoy is, the concept that the hot girls from high school are never able to escape their drama.  I mean, come on, we secretly all used to hope that the beautiful girls from high school would age horribly and become functioning alcoholics.   I guess we’ll just have to settle for them being stalked on their iPhones instead.  Meh.

Also, I’m a proud 35 year old fan of PLL.  I legit follow Shay, Troian, Ashley, and Lucy on Instagram. Spencer is my fave.

 

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Do you watch PLL?  If so, why do you like it?

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Internet Trolls

 

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Internet trolls get off on their alleged witty and necessary commentary. My advice is just to pretend they don’t exist.

In other words, “DON’T FEED INTERNET TROLLS.”

When I envision an Internet troll, I think of someone sitting at a desk, writing their mean comments, and then waiting with a stapler over their hand until somebody “bites” and responds to their comment. At which time, they then press that stapler down into their dominant trolling hand whilst screaming, “THANK YOU MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?!”

Don’t give them what they want.

Oh yeah, and don’t touch them either.

You’re welcome.

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How do you handle Internet trolls? Did you love Troll dolls?

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As an American living in Scotland, I continue to struggle with various things as I adjust to life here. One thing I cannot seem to get any grip over is, however, the weather.

Please don’t let me discourage you — it’s beautiful here. All I’m saying is, when Shirley Manson sings, “I’m only happy when it rains” it’s because she’s Scottish. Someone once told me that this song is about ejaculation, but almost everyone I met before the age of 25 was either on drugs or should have been on them.

I’d like to think Ms. Manson sings such a song to tell us how happy she is while she’s back home.

Seriously, don’t even listen to me.

So, if you fancy making your way over to Scotland for a “wee visit” I thought I might let you know what you can expect as far as the weather goes from season to season.

Without such knowledge, you might be unprepared for the unpredictability that is Scottish weather.

I live in Glasgow, so I can’t speak for the rest of Scotland, but it’s probably fairly similar.

Glasgow Winter

Approximately 10 days of this…

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Followed by approximately 80 days of this…

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Glasgow Spring

Approximately 10 days of this…

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Followed by approximately 80 days of this…

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Glasgow Summer

Approximately 10 days of this…

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Followed by  approximately 80 days of this…

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Glasgow Autumn

Approximately 10 days of this…

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Followed by approximately 80 days of this…

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Cheers to your travels!

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An American Expat's Guide To Glasgow Weather #ExpatLife #AnAmericanInGlasgow #Glasgow #Travel Click To Tweet

Are you only happy when it rains?  Have you visited Scotland?  Are you Scottish and want to punch me in the face right now?

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Is Adam Driver Hot?

Somebody, please answer me this — is Adam Driver hot?  Sometimes I look at him, and I think, yeah, he’s hot.  Other times, I’m not so sure.

Right here he’s pretty hot.

It’s not like my opinion really matters, though.

I mean, I once dated a bartender in NY who looked like Kevin from The Office (US) but much less intelligent.

I used to drink until anybody looked good enough.

(Sadly) true story.

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Vagina Contouring

Hey there!  Chances are you googled “vagina” or “contouring” or “vagina contouring” to end up on my page.  If it was the latter, you are either thinking about getting your vagina contoured OR you’re like me and you’re totally fucking baffled by it.

 

Here’s my thing, I’m not all that concerned by what my vagina looks like.  I tell ya, I’ve just about made peace with the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow steams her vagina and some lady made a loaf of bread from hers.

Needless to say, I’m not about to start worrying about what my vagina looks like.

First off, I haven’t even seen my own vagina in two years.

I do yoga with my pants on, people.

I know you’re supposed to check your “vag” out occasionally,  but I figure if my gyno doesn’t see anything alarming, everything’s hunky dory on that front, right?

I did, however, have a gyno in NY who I stopped going to because every time he would examine me he would give me a pamphlet for laser pubic hair removal.  I was like, “fuck you, Doc”.

That’s so typical of a male to plant the seed that my lady-scaping wasn’t up to par.  In fact, I’ve had many a male gyno over the years, because I honestly don’t give a fuck about who is looking, as long as they have a degree and don’t say things like, “that’s weird” while their face is down periscope in my cervix!  That also happened to me my senior year of college.  Apparently my cervix “to the side”.

I don’t want to be a total hypocrite.  I used to endure Brazilian waxes.  I have a thing about pubic hair.  Personally, I don’t like it.  Anticipated audience or not.  I stopped getting them due to a bad reaction I had because my former Esthetician failed to update me about a product line change.   That’s three weeks of my life my vagina won’t get back.   Luckily, I was in a long-distance relationship at the time, but it still sucked.

Anyhoo, I’m getting totally off course here.  Back to vagina contouring or “vontouring”.  Ugh, I can’t.

Apparently, to get your vagina contoured you have to have some sort of heated tampon device inserted that plumps collagen and “youthful contours” back into your vagina.

First off,  c’mon.

Secondly, I’d like to think that I was born with an “old vagina” and by this, I don’t mean like a granny fanny, but like a vagina with an “old soul”.  Like, my vagina is secure enough in itself to know that it doesn’t need to have heated vibrator inside of it for $5000 to feel like it looks “presentable”.

It seems like every single week women have to find yet ANOTHER thing to not feel confident enough about.  This vagina contouring shit is the final straw for me.

I thought it was enough when that “vajazzling” nonsense was all the rage, but this …just, no.  I mean this concept is way more ridiculous than turning your pubic region into the Las Vegas strip!

Your vagina can shine, sparkle, and call the shots, regardless of how ugly society wants you to think it is.

Your vagina is spectacular.  Period (Oooh, wasn’t that clever?)

 

Would you contour your vagina? Did you ever get a Brazilian? Vajazzled? Let’s discuss!

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