Pretty Little Liars

I’m 35 and I Watch Pretty Little Liars

It was July 1st of last year, and the weather was horrible.  As I sat on the sofa — aimlessly sifting through the programs on Netflix — I thought to myself, “I need to watch something I’m ashamed of”.  After already having watched all four seasons of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (including the holiday specials — I know, how could I top the shame associated with this?), I knew I had some searching to do.

That’s when this happened.

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Something inside of me told me that this show could fill the void  I’d been struggling with for months.  So, I hit that “watch now” button and nothing has been the same since.

I should dislike this show for the following (but not limited to) reasons:

  1. I hated high school.
  2. I’m still having an identity crisis.
  3. I’m 35.

However, I found myself through the entire 24 episodes of season one and half way through season two just 36 hours after I started.  It would have been less if I didn’t have to sleep.

I literally found myself incapable of turning away from this show.  The strangest part about me liking Pretty Little Liars is I thought the show was ridiculous at first.   A teacher dating a student, half brothers and sisters making out, sisters sharing boyfriends, and a mother who would fuck a cop just to get her daughter out of a shoplifting charge.  Then I remembered, that’s just how upper-middle class people live.  They make their own drama.

I have to say, I find the idea of  a mystery texter stalking me far more exciting than worrying about how I’m going to pay my bills each month.  Clearly, I’m doing drama all kinds of wrong.

Photo credit. Also, hey teach, 15 will get you 20!

I know, it’s just fucking tv.  See, I invite myself to these “logic” parties with tv plots and characters all of the time, like, I’m all annoyed that they try to do anything remotely outside of what could be considered realistic.  I mean, hello, those girls were seniors in high school for three and a half seasons.  Though, when you think about it, for the amount of times they skipped classes due to being arrested, institutionalized, kidnapped and run over by cars, it’s not that unrealistic.

So, for those of you who do not watch Pretty Little Liars (what IS your damage?) the second half of season 6 premiered on January 11th on Netflix (or if you live in America on Freeform — previously known as ABC Family).  The current season picked up five years after the finale of the first half of season 6, when the liars finally learned who had been stalking them since season 1.  Now, five years later, the girls have all been summoned back to Rosewood.   Of course, (with the exception of one Liar), they all have schmoozey jobs and disposable income at the age of 23.  When I was 23, I made $28,000 a year and lived in an illegal apartment in NY with my  37-year-old alcoholic ex-boyfriend.

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Still, I can’t stop watching this show.  It’s completely addicting.  Maybe what I really enjoy is, the concept that the hot girls from high school are never able to escape their drama.  I mean, come on, we secretly all used to hope that the beautiful girls from high school would age horribly and become functioning alcoholics.   I guess we’ll just have to settle for them being stalked on their iPhones instead.  Meh.

Also, I’m a proud 35 year old fan of PLL.  I legit follow Shay, Troian, Ashley, and Lucy on Instagram. Spencer is my fave.

 

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I'm 35 and I Watch Pretty Little Liars. #PLL #PrettyLittleLiars Click To Tweet

Do you watch PLL?  If so, why do you like it?

Let’s connect!

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Internet Trolls

Don’t Feed Internet Trolls

 

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Internet trolls get off on their alleged witty and necessary commentary. My advice is just to pretend they don’t exist.

In other words, “DON’T FEED INTERNET TROLLS.”

When I envision an Internet troll, I think of someone sitting at a desk, writing their mean comments, and then waiting with a stapler over their hand until somebody “bites” and responds to their comment. At which time, they then press that stapler down into their dominant trolling hand whilst screaming, “THANK YOU MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?!”

Don’t give them what they want.

Oh yeah, and don’t touch them either.

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You’re welcome.

My approach to handling #InternetTrolls #Trolls Click To Tweet

How do you handle Internet trolls? Did you love Troll dolls?

Let’s connect!

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An American Expat’s Guide To Glasgow Weather

As an American living in Scotland, I continue to struggle with various things as I adjust to life here. One thing I cannot seem to get any grip over is, however, the weather.

Please don’t let me discourage you — it’s beautiful here. All I’m saying is, when Shirley Manson sings, “I’m only happy when it rains” it’s because she’s Scottish. Someone once told me that this song is about ejaculation, but almost everyone I met before the age of 25 was either on drugs or should have been on them.

I’d like to think Ms. Manson sings such a song to tell us how happy she is while she’s back home.

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Seriously, don’t even listen to me.

So, if you fancy making your way over to Scotland for a “wee visit” I thought I might let you know what you can expect as far as the weather goes from season to season.

Without such knowledge, you might be unprepared for the unpredictability that is Scottish weather.

I live in Glasgow, so I can’t speak for the rest of Scotland, but it’s probably fairly similar.

Glasgow Winter

Approximately 10 days of this…

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Followed by approximately 80 days of this…

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Glasgow Spring

Approximately 10 days of this…

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Followed by approximately 80 days of this…

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Glasgow Summer

Approximately 10 days of this…

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Followed by  approximately 80 days of this…

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Glasgow Autumn

Approximately 10 days of this…

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Followed by approximately 80 days of this…

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Cheers to your travels!

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An American Expat's Guide To Glasgow Weather #ExpatLife #AnAmericanInGlasgow #Glasgow #Travel Click To Tweet

Are you only happy when it rains?  Have you visited Scotland?  Are you Scottish and want to punch me in the face right now?

Let’s connect!

Twitter

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Is Adam Driver Hot?

Is Adam Driver Hot?

Somebody, please answer me this — is Adam Driver hot?  Sometimes I look at him, and I think, yeah, he’s hot.  Other times, I’m not so sure.

Right here he’s pretty hot.

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It’s not like my opinion really matters, though.

I mean, I once dated a bartender in NY who looked like Kevin from The Office (US) but much less intelligent.

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I used to drink until anybody looked good enough.

(Sadly) true story.

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Vagina Contouring

Vagina Contouring

Hey there!  Chances are you googled “vagina” or “contouring” or “vagina contouring” to end up on my page.  If it was the latter, you are either thinking about getting your vagina contoured OR you’re like me and you’re totally fucking baffled by it.

 

Here’s my thing, I’m not all that concerned by what my vagina looks like.  I tell ya, I’ve just about made peace with the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow steams her vagina and some lady made a loaf of bread from hers.

Needless to say, I’m not about to start worrying about what my vagina looks like.

First off, I haven’t even seen my own vagina in two years.

I do yoga with my pants on, people.

I know you’re supposed to check your “vag” out occasionally,  but I figure if my gyno doesn’t see anything alarming, everything’s hunky dory on that front, right?

I did, however, have a gyno in NY who I stopped going to because every time he would examine me he would give me a pamphlet for laser pubic hair removal.  I was like, “fuck you, Doc”.

That’s so typical of a male to plant the seed that my lady-scaping wasn’t up to par.  In fact, I’ve had many a male gyno over the years, because I honestly don’t give a fuck about who is looking, as long as they have a degree and don’t say things like, “that’s weird” while their face is down periscope in my cervix!  That also happened to me my senior year of college.  Apparently my cervix “to the side”.

I don’t want to be a total hypocrite.  I used to endure Brazilian waxes.  I have a thing about pubic hair.  Personally, I don’t like it.  Anticipated audience or not.  I stopped getting them due to a bad reaction I had because my former Esthetician failed to update me about a product line change.   That’s three weeks of my life my vagina won’t get back.   Luckily, I was in a long-distance relationship at the time, but it still sucked.

Anyhoo, I’m getting totally off course here.  Back to vagina contouring or “vontouring”.  Ugh, I can’t.

Apparently, to get your vagina contoured you have to have some sort of heated tampon device inserted that plumps collagen and “youthful contours” back into your vagina.

First off,  c’mon.

Secondly, I’d like to think that I was born with an “old vagina” and by this, I don’t mean like a granny fanny, but like a vagina with an “old soul”.  Like, my vagina is secure enough in itself to know that it doesn’t need to have heated vibrator inside of it for $5000 to feel like it looks “presentable”.

It seems like every single week women have to find yet ANOTHER thing to not feel confident enough about.  This vagina contouring shit is the final straw for me.

I thought it was enough when that “vajazzling” nonsense was all the rage, but this …just, no.  I mean this concept is way more ridiculous than turning your pubic region into the Las Vegas strip!

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Your vagina can shine, sparkle, and call the shots, regardless of how ugly society wants you to think it is.

Your vagina is spectacular.  Period (Oooh, wasn’t that clever?)

 

Would you contour your vagina? Did you ever get a Brazilian? Vajazzled? Let’s discuss!

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Things I don't get

Things I don’t Get #1

Hey, hey!  Welcome to my first post in a series, of which (I believe) there will be many — “Things I Don’t Get”.  In this series, I will comment on shit I’ve observed that I personally just  don’t get. Just because I don’t get it, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t make sense.  It’s just, these things don’t make sense to me.

I see a lot of stupid shit on a daily basis.  I try not to get too hung up on these things, but sometimes it’s just like a mega wtf has to happen.  Or I’ll explode.

So, let’s get started!

Things I Don’t Get

  1.  People who wait in line for the ticket machine at the train and wait until they get to the screen prompt to insert their debit card to start searching for their card in their pocket/bag.  Seriously, you had, like ten minutes to get that shit out.
  2. People who spray their perfume on the train.  You probably left your house less than five minutes ago.  Couldn’t you have done that before you left, or at the very least, waited until you were in a ventilated space to spray yourself?
  3. People who comment on “breaking news” stories on websites like TMZ and Entertainment Tonight.  Even more so, people who comment on those news stories about how there are more important things to be reading about.
  4. Any person who would PAY to join any of the Kardashian websites.  I have paid to NOT have to be reminded that any of them exist.
  5. People who support Donald Trump.  In any capacity.  Seriously, he is a horrible human being.

Okay, I think I’ve probably lost enough friends for one day!  As I stated, these are just things that I don’t get.  If not being prepared, spraying migraine triggering chemicals in enclosed spaces, not being an informed citizen, caring about meaningless “celebrities”, and voting for sexist and xenophobic creeps to run the free world is your thing, it’s all good.

I just don’t get it.

Have a great weekend!

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5 Ways David Bowie Inspired Me

Another year is here and already we’ve had legends taken from us.  Such a buzzkill, right?

Of course, I’m talking about David Bowie, like, pretty much everybody else on the planet.

I will admit, his music had fallen a bit off my current rotation, but he was definitely a big inspiration to me.

 

 

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5 Ways David Bowie Inspired Me

  1.  His music, obviously.  He was such an incredible artist.  I’m sure music snobs will roll their eyes (yeah, I know who you are…) but I will always love The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars.  Always.  I still recall thinking the lyrics to “Suffragette City” are, “don’t lean on me ma’am/cuz you can’t afford no chicken/go back to surfer jet city”.  Yeah, I want to punch myself.  I’ve got you covered.
  2. His clothes.  I mean, he rocked lycra, animal prints, bold colours, platform shoes, rainbow coloured hair, and bleached brows from way back.  He was the first person who convinced me that wild makeup and platform shoes are okay.  I don’t think I’m alone on this one.
  3. The Labyrinth.  I loved this film so much.  Even though David scared me a bit in this film, it was smart and had a shit ton of puppets in it and also, his contouring was as the kids say, “on fleek”.
  4. Dancing In The Street.  I know Family Guy made fun of this (as did most people) but I remember dancing around the living room with my late father while watching the video of David Bowie and Mick Jagger dancing in and out of doorways in an abandoned building and not giving a single fuck.  Until I was 21, that was my life’s aspiration.  I’m not living right now.  Just existing.
  5.  Ziggy Stardust.  Leper messiah?  Making love to his ego?  It’s like he was describing every boyfriend I would ever have before meeting my husband.  Though, seriously, Ziggy Stardust pretty much embodies that free spirt in each of us.

RIP, you beautiful human being.

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Do you love David Bowie?

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Social Media Cleansing (Before It Was Socially Acceptable)

So, you know how it’s super “brave” to show your face with no makeup on Instagram?  Or how it’s super brave that this girl decided to tell us all what we should have already known about social media life?

Apparently it’s now a “New Year’s Resolution” to do a  “social media cleanse.”  Social media cleansing is when an individual deactivates their social media accounts on all channels and commits to only using their phone for texting and making phone calls in an attempt to improve the quality of their life.

So brave.

Well, because I am usually so ahead of my time (otherwise known as in my mid-thirties) I actually did a social media purge for over two years.

Yep, for over two years of my life I was NOT ON ANY SOCIAL MEDIA and it felt fucking fantastic.

During that time, I did participate in online dating for a brief period.  However, I normally didn’t get too far when I would tell people within five minutes of chatting that I “didn’t have a Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter page” for them to stalk  get a better look at my alleged athletic physique.  

You know that’s why they ask for that information up front…

When I announced my decision to leave social media in 2011 (I know, just who the fuck do I think I am?) I received numerous texts and emails asking things like,

“But if you delete your Facebook, how will I invite you to my birthday?”

“How will I remember your birthday?”

“How will we stay in touch?”

Yeah, these were legitimate questions I was asked when I deactivated my social media accounts.

To each of those ridiculous questions I simply replied, “the same way you did 7 years ago BEFORE social media happened”.

What I loved the most in the days following my social media suicide (which, by the way, is an actual fucking thing you can do now) were the passive-aggressive text messages I received about what they did to deserve being “unfriended” by me on my Facebook page.

In case you cared...
In case you cared…

Let me also point out that these people who asked why they were “unfriended” weren’t even my actual friends.  Like, I legit never hung out with them nor did I ever want to.  In fact, the whole “friending” thing is so gross.  Most of the people I had on my Facebook “friends” list were what I refer to as “obligatory digital acquaintances”.

What do I mean by this?  You know when you get a friend request from someone you’ve just met?  You’re like, “omg, really?  I have known you for a literal hour and now you all of a sudden qualify myself OR yourself and whatever happened between us in said hour as a ‘friendship'”?

 

but, we only just met. Photo Credit

Social Media Is NOT Real Life

Seriously, people.  Social media is NOT nor has it EVER been real life.

I used to say the slogan for Facebook should be, “Facebook:  Because no one ever really wanted high school to end”.

Social Media Cleansing #SocialMediaCleanse #NotARealityShow Click To Tweet

Maybe some people didn’t want their high school experience to end, but for me, I couldn’t have left that shitshow fast enough.  I even challenged my C average to graduate 5 months earlier than the rest of my class.  Do you want to know what I did in place of attending school from January until June?  Cleaned hotel rooms and saved money for a trip to Spain.  It was brilliant.

Okay, so, I do have social media accounts nowadays because I realize having them helps to increase traffic to my blog.   Which, by the way, is something you definitely should want to read.  I can guarantee whatever musings I may publish will be way better than hearing about a baby farting or endless streams of girls posting Kardashian-esque “duck face” selfies.  My social media accounts are NOT personal accounts.  I can’t handle having one of those.  Believe me, I have taken quite a bit of shit, from friends and family ,having moved overseas and not reactivating my Facebook account.

I have to stick to my guns, though.

Social media is pretty horrible.  I know there’s some good to participating in social media, and I’m not disputing that.  Honestly, the Internet has vastly improved life for me over the past 15 years.  However, when you’re facing  actual real life hardships and starting to beat yourself up because you don’t have the “perfect” job, body, or relationship — you need to get a grip on ACTUAL reality.

This is a big part of the reason why I call myself an “unconventional personal trainer”; I simply cannot deal with clients who have #goals (I LOATHE this hashtag, btw) to look like a Kardashian.  First of all, they are horrible people.  Second, they have more plastic on them than a suitcase.  Third, it’s unrealistic and a fucking stupid goal.  Period.

I can’t blame them, though, can I?  I have loads of ridiculous “fitspo” posts on my Instagram feed every damn day.  Hey, if you work that ass and want to show it, go for it.  However, don’t be a dick about it.  Just because you live on a “bro” diet and think there’s “no excuse” for not working out, doesn’t mean other people believe this to be true.  Seriously, I keep my mouth shut about this stuff often, but some people on Instagram take “fitspo” as a right to bully and shame people for not holding their same passion for their physical appearance.  Take it from me as a trainer, most of these people are starving and unhappy.  I know.  I’ve worked with them.

What’s my point?  Just do you, and don’t subscribe to that nonsense.  

I have a post all about why my “imperfect” body makes me a better trainer, and I don’t look like those fitness models.  And you know what?  I don’t have to and neither do you. Beauty is a money making industry and has been programmed to all make us feel a little bit worse about ourselves than we need to.  It was bad enough when it was Conde Nast telling us what is beautiful and acceptable.  Now it’s our friends, family, and the general public perpetuating this notion of how our lives and our bodies “should” look.

Trust me on this, because honestly, the “reality” of their notions (i.e. social media feeds) is that they are probably 75% bullshit anyway.  

All things I’ve said considered, (and hopefully you’ve not considered I’m a dickhead) I think regardless of how many people participate in doing  “social media cleansing,” it’s here to stay. People will always come back.   And that’s okay too.

It’s not like I’m telling you how to live your life.  If you find your life is empty without your social media, go back on it!  Likewise, if you like your social media accounts are better left dead, stay off it!   I think social media can be a great tool when used correctly.

However, so can a pair of scissors.  Just saying.

Anyway, I’m mostly just happy that people are warming up to the idea of canning it with their social media usage.  Mostly because back when I did it, people looked at me like I just told them I poisoned their pet when I told them I didn’t have any social media accounts.  Like it was something they just couldn’t process.

Because no one really wanted high school to end.

Are you a social media lover?  Have you ever done a “social media cleanse”?  Let’s discuss!

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The Broke Girls Guide To Balayage Hair

Ombre, balayage, and dark roots.  It’s never been cooler to show your (somewhat) true colors when it comes to hair!

I have been rocking the ombre style for the past few months.  Mostly, because I’m too broke to get my hair done by a professional.

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I heavily highlighted my hair back in March.

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Yeah, March, as in 10 months ago.  The re-growth was looking pretty ridiculous around September, so I bought myself a box of light brown dye and contemplated (possible) hair suicide.  I soon decided that I wasn’t brave enough to dye my whole head.  My ends were SO blonde and I knew that no matter what, my hair would still not be one colour.

My solution?  I decided to put about a dozen small “low-lights” throughout my hair in an attempt to break up the contrast.  It kinda worked.  Except when it started washing out it started to look gold and drab.

So, after spending literally 2 days on YouTube watching people dye their hair with everything from food colouring to apple cider vinegar, I felt that qualified me enough to go out and buy a highlighting kit from a nearby drug store and try to “freshen things up”.  Again, it kinda worked.

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Please excuse the mess, the raggedy summer dress, the mirror, and the laundry basket.

I used the L’oreal Preference “Glam Bronde” in No. 3.

Photo courtesy of www.boots.com

I probably should have gone for No.2, but after spending 35 minutes in the hair colour aisle, I thought I looked just crazy/suspicious enough that it was time to go!

My thoughts on this brand/colour?  Don’t do it!  If you’re going to do it, buy yourself a good toner.  You must!

My hair still looked like shit after attempting to highlight with this box dye nightmare.  My best friend is a former hairdresser and she told me to just go out and buy a 20% developer, bleach, and a toner and balayage my own hair.

I was immediately like, “as if I can do this” — seriously, I thought my hair would fall out.

Balayage is not a style of dye.  It’s the highlighting technique used to create natural looking dimension to hair.  Essentially it’s where the sun would hit the hair and naturally lighten it.

Here’s the “how to” video I watched to get the technique.  Also, you can purchase one of those balayage brush and paddle kits from Sally’s, but I just wore a shirt I didn’t care about and it worked out just fine.

I was absolutely scared shitless that I was going to make myself bald, but to my delight I did not!  I did panic a bit over keeping the bleach on my head for too long, and as a result, I ended up with an orangey-yellowish tone.  I used a violet toner on my head to help cancel out the brassiness.  If you’re interested here’s the products I used:

That’s worked for me (my hair is color damaged and fine, so definitely check with a professional)  I cannot stress this enough, however,  buy yourself a bottle of decent violet/purple shampoo and apply it generously to your damp hair and cover with a shower cap for 15-20 minutes to tone the brassiness down once a week, or so.  Your hair will look insane and you’ll panic, but unless your hair is super platinum blonde and you leave it on for an hour, it will not turn your hair lilac!

Here’s my end result — I did a deep side part, so it looks a bit more chunky than it actually turned out!

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I use this brand.  It’s British, but you can get an entire range of blonde toning violet/purple shampoos online.

Here’s a good video on how to tone your hair with purple shampoo.

Omg, WHAT did we all do before YouTube?  I question how I got this far in life.  Like, daily.

So, if you’ve got roots going on, and you’ve got better things to spend two weeks worth of grocery money on, just do what I did.

If it turns out ugly as fuck, don’t worry.

Ugly hair is sorta epic nowadays,

Just own it, no matter what.

Do you colour your own hair?  Have you ever purple shampoo toned your hair?  Do you like ombre/balayage?

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