I feel old. I am old. I’ve mentioned this. When I say I’m old to my mother, she reminds me that she had my sister when she was my age.
I remind her that my sister is 31 and then we both need a drink.
I may not be old enough to have been able to buy a teenie boppers magazine with The Beatles on the cover (though John Lennon was my first love, RIP.) But I am old enough to have plastered my bedroom with all things New Kids On The Block, or NKOTB if you’re too tired to say their entire band name.
I mean it’s a lot of words.
Every young girl (and gay guy) had their favorite New Kid, am I right? Don’t even dare lie about it. The New Kids were so popular; they were even summoned to help find a missing girl way back when.
I’m not kidding. The New Kids On The Block were on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries.
Sexy, eh? So, like it or not, those of us who were so inclined had a romantic obsession with at least one (or if you were a little frisky for your age two) of the members.
The other day, my husband and I were talking about the New Kids (I have zero ideas how the hell we arrived at this topic) and started slipping down memory lane about how I was in love with Donnie Wahlberg. I loved Donnie because he was the bad boy. Sure he had a rat tail haircut and a bad attitude, but he was my favorite New Kid and let no bitch try and say, Joey, Jordan, Johnny, or Danny were better than Donnie.
I loved Donnie, and because of this, I feel this choice influenced me to date many dipshits for the majority of my dating life.
Seriously, I dated some losers. There were a couple of nice guys mixed in, but ultimately, I left them for guys who were more adventurous, aka hot messes.
I mean, how could you not want to drink beers and drive away into the sunset in a stolen Chevy with this guy?
Or drown in Joey’s eyes?
Or ice Jordan’s nuts on the high notes?
It’s like this, depending on the NKOTB member you were obsessed with, probably had a lot to do with your love life wins and losses.
Jordan: The falsetto frontman with dashing good looks and a blowout only Pauly D could rival. He could reach notes like Mariah Carey and probably charm your mom. If you were into Jordan, you probably dated guys who had a little mystery to them, but were a pretty face and looked good in pictures. You didn’t marry this guy, but probably know someone who did.
Joey: The young one with the big blue eyes which set the stage for the likes of Justin Beiber’s rise to fame. Before the balls dropped, he was the cute little guy. After the balls had done dropped, the baby face remained and got smexy. If you were into Joey, you probably dated a guy slightly younger than you, who also had a baby face, and let’s be honest; you’re still stalking him and his wife on social media on sleepless nights. I mean, c’mon, look at this guy!
Jonathan Knight: He was underrated. I mean, he was cute and obviously brought something to the group, but weren’t there always at least two members of a boy band who were like pretty basic. I remember Jonathan dated Tiffany (I am really aging myself here) and people wanted to spike her Tab with Drano. I mean, he didn’t marry Tiffany, because he’s gay. Yeah, in case you didn’t know. If you were into Jonathan, you wanted a high school sweetheart type, but, realistically, likely fell in love with a gay guy, and you’re still really good friends.
Danny Wood: He was kinda the last in line when it came to NKOTB crushes. I knew a girl who liked Danny the most. He seemed quiet and introspective. I think he got married and had a shit ton of kids. He’s also really into fitness and appears to have been the inspiration for the casting goals for the Jersey Shore reality show. If you were into Danny, you probably like guys who lift, tan and believe in old fashioned relationship goals. You likely are helping him bench press your youngest child over his head right now.
I saved the best for last, Donnie Wahlberg: Donnie was the “bad boy” of the NKOTB. He has tattoos, thrust his junk on the edge of the stage, and comes from one of Boston’s most beloved working class families. I’ve had several government cheese cheeseburgers at the famous Wahlburgers, and I’m not mad about it. He married Jenny McCarthy a few years ago he currently plays a detective on the tv series Blue Bloods. If you were into Donnie, you liked guys who had an appetite for trouble and beautiful women. You didn’t date him for a long while you were both young. You likely spent years dating guys just like him until you just decided to be happy and now you’re probably settled down with a nice, sensible man. At least, that’s what finally happened to me. I’m not looking back and neither should you. Despite what Jenny McCarthy has done, you don’t marry bad boys. You date them, cry over them, and block them on all social media.