Roseanne Barr Explains Working Class Anger Best

So, I’m an expat, but I’m still an American citizen.  So are the rest of my family and friends back home in America.

This past election was beyond divisive and horrible, and it’s not looking like things are going to get much better.

All along, there was one woman who could have explained why working people are sick of the establishment, and it certainly wasn’t Hillary Clinton.

There was also one woman who could tell us all, perfectly, how the establishment will work to “keep jobs” in the USA.

And she explains it far better than any pundit or politician ever could have.

So, here it is…

Roseanne attempted to run for President, and there’s a movie documenting it.  She’s a bit out there, but this clip from the mid 90’s couldn’t be truer today.

So, now that we’ve all soaked in that ray of the sunshine, who’s thirsty?  Ugh.

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How are you feeling nearly a month out?  Here’s to hoping that 2017 isn’t as giant a dumpster fire as 2016 has been, but I don’t have much hope.  Do you?

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Things People Shouldn't Do

Things People Shouldn’t Do #1 (Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs)

I’m back.  I haven’t been here for a hot minute.  You’re about to find out why.  I’ve been in hiding (and studying).

Sometimes I feel like I have so much to offer the world.  Just this past week I coached two people into following their passions and believing in themselves.

The outcomes?

They both got new careers and couldn’t be happier.

Pursuing passions and starting new careers are things people should do.

I think – and I’m surely not alone here –  there are many things I can strongly urge people shouldn’t do.

And thus, a new topic of conversation has been introduced to the blog.

Things people shouldn’t do.

Things People Shouldn't Do

 

What I’m going to tell you today would sound like common sense to most, but believe me, I used to think my common sense was stronger than my book smarts.

I thought this observation was accurate until I watched YouTube while holding scissors.

Yes, this past June, on one of my monthly trips down the YouTube Rabbit Hole, I did the very thing that I IMPLORE you not do.  I watched a tutorial on how to cut bangs (or, fringe as they say here in the UK), pulled out the scissors, and I cut my fucking hair.

Instant regret.  Even to this day, October 7th, I am reminded of this horrible life choice.

I won’t even show you a picture.  I will instead provide you with a visual aid to give you an idea what my hair looked like for approximately 45 days.

Things You Shouldn't Do
Photo credit: BuzzFeed via portlandmercury.com

The sad thing is, I have done this before.  MULTIPLE times.

MULTIPLE times.

Every time I think, “This time it will be different, I will look good” and then, yeah, never.

You know that famously misquoted saying, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.”?  That’s me when it comes to bangs.

It’s maddening.

Things You Shouldn't Do (Cut Your Own Bangs)

I’m crazy when it comes to my hair.  But I don’t think I’m alone, and that is why I am making this public service announcement.

No matter how fantastic the YouTuber, DO NOT watch their tutorial on how to cut your own hair while holding scissors.

You will cut, and you could very possibly end up looking like shit.

Being held captive in your apartment for the entire summer, imprisoned by bobby pins.

And especially noteworthy:  If you live in a climate where it rains all the fucking time (like I do) DON’T do bangs/fringe.  You will get rained on, and you will look like Brett Michaels.

Heed my warning.

Expectation:  (I blame Zooey for this every single time.)

Things You Shouldn't Do
Photo credit: Pinterest/Google

Reality: (And I’m not even exaggerating in the slightest.)

Things You Shouldn't Do
Photo credit: Google

Any questions?

Visit a professional and let them talk you out of it.

The regrowth period.  Is.  Painful.

No.
Oops!  I did it again.

Have you ever cut your own hair?  Did you regret it?  I still love YouTube, tho.

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Out on the Lanai

Out on the Lanai

So, the other day, while cruising the Interwebs, I stumbled upon something spectacular.

Wanna know what it was?

A Golden Girls podcast.

Whaaaaaaaaat?

That’s right.  A GOLDEN GIRLS PODCAST.

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It’s called “Out on the Lanai” and it is fantabulous.

Out on the Lanai: A Golden Girls Podcast
Photo Credit: Out on the Lanai

Ever since I turned 30, the Golden Girls have been, like, my religion.

If I’m sad, sick, tired, or whatever extreme mood I may be in, I know there’s an episode or two of the Girls that will take my mind off of my life.  Well, at least for 20 minutes to an hour.

I can’t even tell you what my favourite episode is; I don’t think it’s even possible to have just one?

I also can’t even tell you which GG is my favourite.

Though, I did take a “Which Golden Girl Are You?” quiz and as it stands now, I got Sophia and Dorothy.

Out on the Lanai

I’m not mad.  In fact, my best friend always used to tell me that I was like a mixture of Dorothy’s sarcasm and level-headedness and Sophia’s sass and wit.

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So, the hosts of “Out on the Lanai”, H. Alan Scott and Kerri Doherty, are super hilarious.  And they often have equally entertaining guests on their podcast episodes.

I’m all kinds of jealous that I don’t have another GG enthusiast to do a podcast with because the show is timeless.  Sure, some of the social issues they touched on are dated, but let’s face it – this show will be treasured forever, and it is irreplaceable.

One of the things I love the most about the OOTL podcast is that they do a “golden take away” from each episode – a tiny bit of wisdom you can take to heart and can apply to your life.

When it comes to the Golden Girls, for me, the two lessons I learned from these ladies are: You can choose your family and that your life doesn’t have to end just because somebody else’s does.

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Dartmouth Jitney

The Dartmouth Jitney (Coach)

There are few times I can recall when riding in a coach bus for any amount of distance didn’t haunt me before it started.

I used to take the Fung Wah from NYC to Boston.  But after multiple bus fires and crashes, they were forced to shut down last year.

Dartmouth Jitney (Coach)
Photo Credit: Boston Globe

I had realized that I had every right to question how safe a $15 bus ride is long before this happened, though.

In 2010, I upgraded to Peter Pan Bus Company.  Not bad for the NYC to Boston trip.  Also, it was a notable upgrade from the Fung Wah (enough to justify spike in price, anyway.)

When I went back to America, for three weeks in April, I needed to make the most of my time.  I had heard for years that the Dartmouth Jitney (Coach) was a great way to make the trip from NYC to New Hampshire.  The DC travels from just outside Grand Central Station to Lebanon and Hanover, New Hampshire in about 5 hours.

Trust me, if you’re trying to get to northern NH, you don’t want to take a bus to Boston and have to switch over to another route all the way up north.

I knew that riding in a coach created to shuttle wealthy NYC kids to and from Dartmouth was going to be a different experience, but I had no idea that it would resemble that one time I got upgraded to first class on Delta.

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The seats were leather and cushion.

There were outlets on either side of my seat.

There was loads of leg room (which at five feet tall is still a luxury.)

There was a coffee bar.

Best of all, though, by far, were the other passengers.

Women aged 45-70 who live between absurdly priced pieces of real estate in Hanover and Manhattan and like to slum it on the Coach after a weekend of upper-class debauchery.

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I don’t watch any of the “Real Housewives” shows, but I’m willing to bet the ladies on the Coach could fit in nicely with that lot.

Also, the producers of the Housewives franchise should definitely look into a Real Housewives of Hanover series.  I would be petty and hilarious for so many reasons.

First off, they knew the driver by name as they addressed him while handing off their Louis Vitton bags to him.

The driver played along by showing a “genuine” interest in their weekend activities.

So… what did you ladies get up to this weekend <fake laugh>?”

“Oh, it was a quiet one.  Just a bit of shopping, the theater, brunch, and anal bleaching!”

Okay, I made that last bit up.  But did I?  Really?

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Don’t worry.  I’m gonna wrap this up.

My bus ride was at 7:45 am on a Monday morning, so I was hoping it would be quiet.

And it was quiet.  The ladies of leisure took to a separate rows of seats, put their feet up, and blocked out the daylight (and land transportation energy field) by covering themselves with designer eye masks and pashminas.

Except for that one lady, who was doing yoga poses across from me in her Lululemons unapologetically.

If you wear leggings that cost more than my entire outfit (including my shoes), there’s just no way we’ll ever understand one another.  I don’t care how much we both enjoy fitness.

We may have been sharing a bus, but we certainly don’t live in the same world.

To be honest, the entire bus ride felt like an anthropological experiment.

I didn’t make eye contact with the other subjects or disturb their natural habitat and because of that, I got to experience why the other half will voluntarily travel by coach.

The takeaway?

For an extra $125, you can probably avoid this:

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But not this:

Dartmouth Coach
Photo Credit: Bravo

The choice is yours.

 

perfume trauma

Perfume Trauma

Controversial title.

Real issue.

I grew up in a small town. Like, minuscule. I’ll put it this way; my town didn’t matter to anyone (including most of its residents) until Walmart decided to set up shop near a highway exit.  That’s not to say people were happy about the Walmart.  My point is, sadly, my hometown is the kind of town which only really gained any recognition by its ability to house a Walmart.

Perfume Traumas
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As you can imagine, growing up as a child in the 80’s and early 90’s without being in proximity to a shopping mall was not awesome.

I envied people who lived near a mall and could hang out with their friends and eat Cinnabon and drink Orange Julius until they inevitably puked in their family’s minivan on the ride home.

As a child from small town America, I felt well and truly left out.  The mall was the place to be, but I couldn’t be there.

Oh, capricious youth and all its struggles.

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Well, times have changed.

As an adult, I loathe going to the mall and despise department stores.

I think malls and department stores are horrid.  They are hot and full of people buying meaningless filler crap made in sweatshops to make their lives seem less miserable

You know I’m a scoach dramatic, but not really?

Is it just me or are the fragrance people in department stores aggressive AF?

You know what, no. It’s not just me. I’ve been a victim of what I call “perfume trauma” multiple times in the past thirty days.

In fact, it happened just a few weeks ago.

Said trauma was during a last minute quest to find Soul Mates for a garden wedding we were attending (which, by the way, are the BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY) and, to date, this was the worst perfume trauma I’ve ever experienced.

I went in, like no exaggeration at all, 25 stores in Glasgow City Centre on this quest.

It was a scavenger hunt for something I didn’t even really want to find.  The best kind, right?

But I digress. One of the stores I went into was House of Fraser department store.

I mean, no offence if you like that shop, but the one on Buchanan Street here in Glasgow was an absolute shitshow as far as shopping experiences go.   Seriously.

First off, the music is way too loud (and shitty) and there are fucking mirrors EVERYWHERE.

As I first walked into what was about to be one of the most annoying retail experiences of my life, I was attacked by a vigorous and powerful mist of perfume.

Like, it went into my mouth and eyes.  Like pepper spray.

Perfume trauma
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As I was choking (not even exaggerating) the girl who attacked me tried to hand me a piece of paper with the awful scent on it.

“Would you like a wee sample of [most offensive fragrance ever]?”

Perfume trauma
Photo: Giphy

Straight up perfume trauma.

I asked the girl who finally (didn’t) help me locate what I was looking for in House of Fraser how she could work there. To which she replied, “I don’t know, but it certainly makes me think twice about drinking the night before a shift.”

Seriously, that is a version of hell I’d rather not imagine.

So, you can imagine my enthusiasm this morning when my husband mentioned that he wanted to go into a particular department store to “compare colognes.”

In fact, the conversation went a little bit like this:

Luke: “How do you feel about popping into [store I’d rather not mention]? I want to compare colognes.”

Me: “Can I counter your question?”

Luke: “Uh, sure.”

Me: “How do you feel about me stabbing myself in the neck with this key?”

True story.

When you get sprayed with perfume in a department store and it's traumatic #retailhell… Click To Tweet 

Have you ever experienced perfume trauma?  Do you like malls and/or department stores?

 

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Kris Jenner Legacy Business School

Just no. #2

Thanks, to this Giphy user, for the excellent photo.

I think it’s pretty clear how I feel about the Kardashian family.

I don’t hate them.  I don’t care enough to do so.  I just don’t think that they use their platform to add anything meaningful to most conversations.  It’s not for the lack of opportunity to do so, it’s just, even when they do get their hands on a controversial or relevant topic, they simply are not informed enough to influence radical change and continue to miss the buck.

And by “miss the buck”, I obviously don’t mean they miss out on financial opportunities.  If there’s one thing they do add to, it’s their bank accounts.

Even if it means pushing their glorified laxative diet pills and ridiculously vapid apps down all of our throats.

Or, signing on as the “chairwoman of the board” of a shady (and fundamentally corrupt) private “business school”.  Yeah, Kris Jenner is now the face of the Legacy Business School, a for-profit, private high-end vocational school located in Trump Towers.

The Legacy Business School, marketed to wealthy, international students — or as Kris Jenner likes to refer to them as, the Global Elite — has a tuition of over $100,000 per year and offers a completion certificate and no transferable credits.

What a steal.  Pun intended. 

I never give stories of this nature as much justice as The Young Turks or The Daily Beast can.

 

 

Just.  No.

Kris Jenner is the face of a $105k/year vocational school for no real academic credit. Just no. #TheYoungTurks… Click To Tweet

Have you had enough of them?  Seriously.  

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3 Ways Being An Expat Is Like Being 15 Again

I moved over to Glasgow from America approximately 14 months ago.  Living in a new country is exciting and terrifying at the same time.  Being an expat has its ups and downs as well, obviously.  I moved to Scotland for love, and there’s plenty of that in my life, but I still have many days when I wonder if I’ll ever really feel at home over here.

It’s the little things that make being an expat so tough.  Like, you know, everyday things that you learn to take for granted as part of your life that are missed once you are without them.  In fact, the other day I got to thinking after having to add 90 minutes to my travels  — because I had missed the train I needed by one fucking minute — that being an expat is pretty much like being 15 years old again.

I don’t know how being 15 worked out for you, but I’d have to say, without ANY hesitation, that my version of 15 sucked pretty hard.

Am I dramatic?  Of course, I am.  That’s what I sometimes do, though.  It’s how I cope.  So, you might be wondering specifically in what ways being an expat is like being 15 years old again.  Well, let me tell you.

  1.  You have to learn how to drive, take lessons, and pass a test and shit.  I have to learn how to drive on the opposite side of the car and the opposite side of the road.  Every time I’m even a passenger in a car over here, I find myself in a panic about how ass-backwards the whole Scottish driving experience is.  This country is full of rotaries and chaos.  Also, and this could be a category of its own, I am at the mercy of train schedules and other people who own cars.  Either that or I walk everywhere.  Which is fine, but, not always the most convenient option when it comes to the weather.

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  2. You have no credit history.  Trying to get anything that requires any credit reference without having a viable credit history just doesn’t happen.  The computer will say no.  Always.

    Photo: Giphy
  3.  You have to make new friends and it’s super tough as an adult.  Remember your first day of school?  How much easier it was to make friends amongst your peers?  Being in your thirties and moving to a new country makes it super difficult to meet people.
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Call me a crybaby, but feeling like I’m 15 again can mess with my head.  At least I can legally buy alcohol now, and I don’t have to worry about dating.  If I had to worry about dating in a new country, I wouldn’t be able to stay.  Dating sucks enough on your home turf, am I right?

Don’t get me wrong, being an expat is super fun in many ways, but it’s not rainbows and unicorns all of the time.

Somedays you feel like a lost 15-year-old and sometimes you even need the tube of Clearasil to go with it.

3 Ways Being An Expat Is Like Being 15 Again #Travel #Expat #Wanderlust Click To Tweet

Would you move to another country for love, work, or just because?  Am I the only adult who finds it difficult making friends later in life?

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ErIntuition Just No

Just no. #1

Okay, lately, I have had nothing to say.  I finished my Life Coaching and NLP Practitioner certification program — a year well spent, but it’s official ya’ll!  Who wants some help?

I also went back to America for a few weeks (which flew by way too fast!).  I ate all of the food and did none of the exercise, so, naturally it’s taken a couple of weeks to recover from my vacation.  (And all of the Trump media coverage I could barely stomach).

It’s weird; I thought going back to America would make me have a better sense of place, but, really it just made me feel like a don’t exist anywhere.   I chose to move to another country for love, and I get sad, homesick, and conflicted about where we should live all of the damn time. It’s hard to find your place in the world in general, isn’t it?

My life feels very much like an eternal LISS treadmill session right now.

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Ha.

I often tell people that I live under a rock when it comes to technology and social media so only recently have I discovered the amazingness of the Podcast.  I love listening to Podcasts.  In fact, so much that I’ve been listening to fantastic feminist Podcasts, and it’s opened my eyes so much more to how shitty most things “created” for women’s consumption truly are.

It’s a shitstorm or epic proportions.  So, I’m going to start a series of posts called, “just no,” so I can point out some of the more absurd and hilariously insulting things created “for women” that I see online, in print, and in general.

I boycotted most magazines years ago.  I ultimately decided (oh, the wasted years and self-esteem) that spending $5 on 100+ pages of photoshopped women and article upon article about how women should eat, have sex, and wear what they want but only “just enough” so that they don’t become a slut, fat, and look like a “hot mess” really isn’t a good use of any woman’s money.

So, when my mother bought me a copy of the April issue (sorry, I’m a month behind!) of Cosmopolitan while I was home,  I immediately got hives.  No offense, Kaley Cuoco, I like you, girl.  I do.  But just look at this crap covering your person!

Photo:  Cosmopolitan.com

I love how circular the cover features always are, don’t you?

  1. Text your man hot things.
  2. Blow his mind.
  3. Crack his code.
  4. Tighten your legs and butt.
  5. Get more sleep.
  6. Get up early and have coffee with your girlfriends and laugh your asses off about how you had the worst date with a “bro” who you texted four times and blew his mind and how you’ll have to find a way to make peace with the (unlikely) fact that you make more money than he does.
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I once heard these words in response to my loathe for these magazines:  “I hate to burst your bubble, but these are the things women really care about. ”

My bubble?  It has been well and truly burst.  Um, no.

If you want to send a text message, a dude can’t resist, just send him any message at any time after 2 am on a Saturday.  Trust me; you could mistakenly text him an order for pizza, and he’ll still ask you to come over.  However — and I don’t feel like I should have to point this out — any guy who is worthwhile shouldn’t need to be captivated by your sexy text messaging skills, tight butt muscles, or glowing skin.

No matter how “cutting edge” these types of magazines claim to be, they are still so simplistically offensive to women and pretty much all humans.

Things that are just no. #justno #whatever #blog Click To Tweet

Just no.

Until next time!

Do you like Women’s magazines?  If so, which ones and WHY?  

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Netflix Shaming

Is My Netflix Account Shaming Me?

If you’re reading this post based on its title, you’re probably thinking, “oh wtf people who are shaming the excessive use of Netflix”?  While these persons absolutely exist, I’m not talking about that kind of shaming.   No, this post is about my Netflix account shaming me.

I watch a lot of television — I think that most of us do these days because it’s never been easier to escape your life.  That said, I was shocked to discover that when I watch more than three episodes of a program on Netflix, they question it.

Netflix Shaming
rude.

First off, “Am I still watching Breaking Bad?!”  One should never ask such a question, electronic device, or otherwise.  Second, why does Netflix care if I’m still watching it?  Does it have something else to do?  Does it want me to watch something different?  I just turned to my husband and asked, “ew, is our tv judging us right now?”  It was.

It was.

One might suggest, if I didn’t believe I was doing something shameful or wasteful with my time, then I wouldn’t feel judged.  However, I am feeling judged.  When Netflix asks me this, I return to a mental space when I’m 16, and my mother is poking her head in my bedroom asking me in a disgusted voice, “are you STILL watching South Park?!

Even more strange is when I mentioned Netflix shaming to friends, they were like, “omg, I’ve never seen that before”.

I have long since gotten over myself, but I can’t help but think:  Is Netflix just shaming people like me?

Is your Netflix app shaming your binge watching? #BingeWatch #Netflix Click To Tweet

Have you ever been shamed by your Netflix account?

Let’s connect!

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Internet Trolls

Don’t Feed Internet Trolls

 

trolls

Internet trolls get off on their alleged witty and necessary commentary. My advice is just to pretend they don’t exist.

In other words, “DON’T FEED INTERNET TROLLS.”

When I envision an Internet troll, I think of someone sitting at a desk, writing their mean comments, and then waiting with a stapler over their hand until somebody “bites” and responds to their comment. At which time, they then press that stapler down into their dominant trolling hand whilst screaming, “THANK YOU MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?!”

Don’t give them what they want.

Oh yeah, and don’t touch them either.

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You’re welcome.

My approach to handling #InternetTrolls #Trolls Click To Tweet

How do you handle Internet trolls? Did you love Troll dolls?

Let’s connect!

Twitter

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