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I feel old.  I am old.  I’ve mentioned this.  When I say I’m old to my mother, she reminds me that she had my sister when she was my age.

I remind her that my sister is 31 and then we both need a drink.

I may not be old enough to have been able to buy a teenie boppers magazine with The Beatles on the cover (though John Lennon was my first love, RIP.)  But I am old enough to have plastered my bedroom with all things New Kids On The Block, or NKOTB if you’re too tired to say their entire band name.

I mean it’s a lot of words.

Every young girl (and gay guy) had their favorite New Kid, am I right?  Don’t even dare lie about it.  The New Kids were so popular; they were even summoned to help find a missing girl way back when.

I’m not kidding.  The New Kids On The Block were on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries.

Sexy, eh?  So, like it or not, those of us who were so inclined had a romantic obsession with at least one (or if you were a little frisky for your age two) of the members.

The other day, my husband and I were talking about the New Kids (I have zero ideas how the hell we arrived at this topic) and started slipping down memory lane about how I was in love with Donnie Wahlberg.  I loved Donnie because he was the bad boy.  Sure he had a rat tail haircut and a bad attitude, but he was my favorite New Kid and let no bitch try and say, Joey, Jordan, Johnny, or Danny were better than Donnie.

I loved Donnie, and because of this, I feel this choice influenced me to date many dipshits for the majority of my dating life.

Seriously, I dated some losers.  There were a couple of nice guys mixed in, but ultimately, I left them for guys who were more adventurous, aka hot messes.

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Photo: Pinterest

I mean, how could you not want to drink beers and drive away into the sunset in a stolen Chevy with this guy?

Or drown in Joey’s eyes?

Or ice Jordan’s nuts on the high notes?

It’s like this, depending on the NKOTB member you were obsessed with, probably had a lot to do with your love life wins and losses.

Jordan:  The falsetto frontman with dashing good looks and a blowout only Pauly D could rival.  He could reach notes like Mariah Carey and probably charm your mom.  If you were into Jordan, you probably dated guys who had a little mystery to them, but were a pretty face and looked good in pictures.  You didn’t marry this guy, but probably know someone who did.

Photo: Pinterest

 

Joey:  The young one with the big blue eyes which set the stage for the likes of Justin Beiber’s rise to fame.  Before the balls dropped, he was the cute little guy.  After the balls had done dropped, the baby face remained and got smexy.  If you were into Joey, you probably dated a guy slightly younger than you, who also had a baby face, and let’s be honest; you’re still stalking him and his wife on social media on sleepless nights.  I mean, c’mon, look at this guy!

 

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Photo: Pinterest

Jonathan Knight:  He was underrated.  I mean, he was cute and obviously brought something to the group, but weren’t there always at least two members of a boy band who were like pretty basic.  I remember Jonathan dated Tiffany (I am really aging myself here) and people wanted to spike her Tab with Drano.  I mean, he didn’t marry Tiffany, because he’s gay.  Yeah, in case you didn’t know.   If you were into Jonathan, you wanted a high school sweetheart type, but, realistically, likely fell in love with a gay guy, and you’re still really good friends.

Photo: Pinterest

Danny Wood:  He was kinda the last in line when it came to NKOTB crushes.  I knew a girl who liked Danny the most.  He seemed quiet and introspective.  I think he got married and had a shit ton of kids.  He’s also really into fitness and appears to have been the inspiration for the casting goals for the Jersey Shore reality show.  If you were into Danny, you probably like guys who lift, tan and believe in old fashioned relationship goals.  You likely are helping him bench press your youngest child over his head right now.

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Photo: Pinterest

I saved the best for last, Donnie Wahlberg:  Donnie was the “bad boy” of the NKOTB.  He has tattoos, thrust his junk on the edge of the stage, and comes from one of Boston’s most beloved working class families.  I’ve had several government cheese cheeseburgers at the famous Wahlburgers, and I’m not mad about it.  He married Jenny McCarthy a few years ago he currently plays a detective on the tv series Blue Bloods.   If you were into Donnie, you liked guys who had an appetite for trouble and beautiful women.  You didn’t date him for a long while you were both young.  You likely spent years dating guys just like him until you just decided to be happy and now you’re probably settled down with a nice, sensible man.    At least, that’s what finally happened to me. I’m not looking back and neither should you.  Despite what Jenny McCarthy has done, you don’t marry bad boys.  You date them, cry over them, and block them on all social media.

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Photo: Pinterest

 

Who was your favorite guy?  Here’s their pick for favorite girls. (P.S. It’s you!)

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Go on MTV.com.

Seriously.

I just went on there to read a Pretty Little Liars interview (I know, somehow THAT doesn’t make me feel old??) and started to scroll through their news feed, and I literally couldn’t find anything relevant to my life.

There were names of people and tv shows that I have never even heard of.

I have many times admitted to pretty much living under a rock, but still when the hell did I get so old?

The same thing happens to me when things get added on Netflix.

For instance, the other day I was so excited that they added Party of Five (I will always heart Griffin Holbrook/Jeremy London), and as soon as the show started, I remembered when it premiered. I was 14 when that show started. I was a freshman in high school.

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Not the London from Dazed and Confused.  Photo credit: Pinterest

Also, Gretchen Wieners was, like, 11 when the Party started.  Whenever I do the Mean Girls math, I remember that film came out in 2004!

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Gretchen Wieners before her hair was full of secrets. (Pinterest)

Sweet baby cheeses.

My 20th high school reunion is NEXT YEAR.

This just can’t be.

But it is.

I can’t sit with anyone.  I can’t fit in.

And you want to know why?

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Photo credit: Salon.com

Word, Darryl Philbin.

If you’re old(ish), when do you realize this fact? What pop culture triggers you into instantly aging yourself?

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So, I’m an expat, but I’m still an American citizen.  So are the rest of my family and friends back home in America.

This past election was beyond divisive and horrible, and it’s not looking like things are going to get much better.

All along, there was one woman who could have explained why working people are sick of the establishment, and it certainly wasn’t Hillary Clinton.

There was also one woman who could tell us all, perfectly, how the establishment will work to “keep jobs” in the USA.

And she explains it far better than any pundit or politician ever could have.

So, here it is…

Roseanne attempted to run for President, and there’s a movie documenting it.  She’s a bit out there, but this clip from the mid 90’s couldn’t be truer today.

So, now that we’ve all soaked in that ray of the sunshine, who’s thirsty?  Ugh.

via GIPHY

How are you feeling nearly a month out?  Here’s to hoping that 2017 isn’t as giant a dumpster fire as 2016 has been, but I don’t have much hope.  Do you?

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Things People Shouldn't Do

I’m back.  I haven’t been here for a hot minute.  You’re about to find out why.  I’ve been in hiding (and studying).

Sometimes I feel like I have so much to offer the world.  Just this past week I coached two people into following their passions and believing in themselves.

The outcomes?

They both got new careers and couldn’t be happier.

Pursuing passions and starting new careers are things people should do.

I think – and I’m surely not alone here –  there are many things I can strongly urge people shouldn’t do.

And thus, a new topic of conversation has been introduced to the blog.

Things people shouldn’t do.

Things People Shouldn't Do

 

What I’m going to tell you today would sound like common sense to most, but believe me, I used to think my common sense was stronger than my book smarts.

I thought this observation was accurate until I watched YouTube while holding scissors.

Yes, this past June, on one of my monthly trips down the YouTube Rabbit Hole, I did the very thing that I IMPLORE you not do.  I watched a tutorial on how to cut bangs (or, fringe as they say here in the UK), pulled out the scissors, and I cut my fucking hair.

Instant regret.  Even to this day, October 7th, I am reminded of this horrible life choice.

I won’t even show you a picture.  I will instead provide you with a visual aid to give you an idea what my hair looked like for approximately 45 days.

Things You Shouldn't Do

Photo credit: BuzzFeed via portlandmercury.com

The sad thing is, I have done this before.  MULTIPLE times.

MULTIPLE times.

Every time I think, “This time it will be different, I will look good” and then, yeah, never.

You know that famously misquoted saying, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.”?  That’s me when it comes to bangs.

It’s maddening.

Things You Shouldn't Do (Cut Your Own Bangs)

I’m crazy when it comes to my hair.  But I don’t think I’m alone, and that is why I am making this public service announcement.

No matter how fantastic the YouTuber, DO NOT watch their tutorial on how to cut your own hair while holding scissors.

You will cut, and you could very possibly end up looking like shit.

Being held captive in your apartment for the entire summer, imprisoned by bobby pins.

And especially noteworthy:  If you live in a climate where it rains all the fucking time (like I do) DON’T do bangs/fringe.  You will get rained on, and you will look like Brett Michaels.

Heed my warning.

Expectation:  (I blame Zooey for this every single time.)

Things You Shouldn't Do

Photo credit: Pinterest/Google

Reality: (And I’m not even exaggerating in the slightest.)

Things You Shouldn't Do

Photo credit: Google

Any questions?

Visit a professional and let them talk you out of it.

The regrowth period.  Is.  Painful.

No.

Oops!  I did it again.

Have you ever cut your own hair?  Did you regret it?  I still love YouTube, tho.

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