Pretty Little Liars Finale

Okay, it’s over.  The end done cometh.

My initial reaction?

I don’t hate it?

My reaction 20 minutes later?

Um, but hold up.

My reaction 60 minutes later?

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS FINALE SUCKED

Photo credit: Google

Okay.  You know what, MARlene?  I wouldn’t have hated this fucking Spencerietta/Twincer/Alex shit if you had made her exist pre-Charlotte’s death.  You missed multiple opportunities for her actually to make sense.  Which, I get it, you didn’t know how many seasons you were getting and needed a LAZY ass band-aid to cover the gaping wound that is this show, but so, there you go.  Alex Drake.

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Photo: Google

So, in case I haven’t spoiled this episode for you, which, you should thank me for saving 78 minutes of your life (giving you the benefit of the doubt with your reading time of this post.)

WHO IS AD?

ALEX DRAKE.  Spencer Hastings identical, London-based evil twin.

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS FINALE SUCKED 7x20

GOOGLE: So, 3 sets of twins? Okay then.

This whole episode in bullet points?

Pretty Little Liars Finale Garbage

  • Mona’s still cray.
  • Spencer (or is she?) and Ali have renovated the Lost Woods for nobody but themselves?
  • Hanna signed up to be Mona’s babysitter, and Caleb can’t stand sleeping with her because of it.
  • Ezra is still a garbage human making Aria’s infertility about him.
  • Aria is sad about this piece of garbage not wanting to marry her.
  • The wine moms hating on all of this bullshit was the best.
  • Spencer gets hit by Mona and abducted by her evil English twin, Alex Drake.
  • Bonus fact:  Alex Drake is a character on a British show called Ashes to Ashes, the sequel to Life on Mars.  So original, Mar.
  • Wren apparently was so hot for Hastings puss, that he knowingly teamed up with what we learned to be Spencer’s twin, Alex.
  • Alex has a terrible cockney accent.  I live in the UK (I’m an American expat) and her accent was pretty horrendous.
  • Wren is the Emison baby’s daddy.
  • Wren is dead.
  • Evil twin Spencer, Alex, bought Toby’s house and turned it into an entire underground city like the Walton’s who own Wal-Mart and aim to outlive all of us when the real shit goes down on this planet.
  • Once Spencer is abducted by her evil twin and biological Momster, Mary Drake, she learns about all of the times Alex has impersonated her and nobody who knows her gave a single fuck.
  • Toby hit that and didn’t notice. (To be fair, Tobes is a fucking dummy, tho.)
  • Marlene King could have made Alex Drake a better pill to swallow had she been present in any event before 6×11.
  • Not sure which?  “I heard a scream.”  “I’ve looked everywhere.”  I dunno, when Melissa “taped” her confession of killing Bethany Young.  WE COULD HAVE HAD  REAL FUCKING ANSWERS BUT NO.  NO.  LAZY.COM
  • Happy show endings for everyone.  Everyone is married, knocked up, or blissfully ignorant.
  • Mona comes through showing us that she could fuck a cop and make it count.  Our ending? Mary and Alex Drake are locked up in a dollhouse in Paris under Mona’s supervision.
  • The end.

Are you like, “what the fuck” yet?

 

You should be.

erintution.com

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I feel old.  I am old.  I’ve mentioned this.  When I say I’m old to my mother, she reminds me that she had my sister when she was my age.

I remind her that my sister is 31 and then we both need a drink.

I may not be old enough to have been able to buy a teenie boppers magazine with The Beatles on the cover (though John Lennon was my first love, RIP.)  But I am old enough to have plastered my bedroom with all things New Kids On The Block, or NKOTB if you’re too tired to say their entire band name.

I mean it’s a lot of words.

Every young girl (and gay guy) had their favorite New Kid, am I right?  Don’t even dare lie about it.  The New Kids were so popular; they were even summoned to help find a missing girl way back when.

I’m not kidding.  The New Kids On The Block were on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries.

Sexy, eh?  So, like it or not, those of us who were so inclined had a romantic obsession with at least one (or if you were a little frisky for your age two) of the members.

The other day, my husband and I were talking about the New Kids (I have zero ideas how the hell we arrived at this topic) and started slipping down memory lane about how I was in love with Donnie Wahlberg.  I loved Donnie because he was the bad boy.  Sure he had a rat tail haircut and a bad attitude, but he was my favorite New Kid and let no bitch try and say, Joey, Jordan, Johnny, or Danny were better than Donnie.

I loved Donnie, and because of this, I feel this choice influenced me to date many dipshits for the majority of my dating life.

Seriously, I dated some losers.  There were a couple of nice guys mixed in, but ultimately, I left them for guys who were more adventurous, aka hot messes.

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Photo: Pinterest

I mean, how could you not want to drink beers and drive away into the sunset in a stolen Chevy with this guy?

Or drown in Joey’s eyes?

Or ice Jordan’s nuts on the high notes?

It’s like this, depending on the NKOTB member you were obsessed with, probably had a lot to do with your love life wins and losses.

Jordan:  The falsetto frontman with dashing good looks and a blowout only Pauly D could rival.  He could reach notes like Mariah Carey and probably charm your mom.  If you were into Jordan, you probably dated guys who had a little mystery to them, but were a pretty face and looked good in pictures.  You didn’t marry this guy, but probably know someone who did.

Photo: Pinterest

 

Joey:  The young one with the big blue eyes which set the stage for the likes of Justin Beiber’s rise to fame.  Before the balls dropped, he was the cute little guy.  After the balls had done dropped, the baby face remained and got smexy.  If you were into Joey, you probably dated a guy slightly younger than you, who also had a baby face, and let’s be honest; you’re still stalking him and his wife on social media on sleepless nights.  I mean, c’mon, look at this guy!

 

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Photo: Pinterest

Jonathan Knight:  He was underrated.  I mean, he was cute and obviously brought something to the group, but weren’t there always at least two members of a boy band who were like pretty basic.  I remember Jonathan dated Tiffany (I am really aging myself here) and people wanted to spike her Tab with Drano.  I mean, he didn’t marry Tiffany, because he’s gay.  Yeah, in case you didn’t know.   If you were into Jonathan, you wanted a high school sweetheart type, but, realistically, likely fell in love with a gay guy, and you’re still really good friends.

Photo: Pinterest

Danny Wood:  He was kinda the last in line when it came to NKOTB crushes.  I knew a girl who liked Danny the most.  He seemed quiet and introspective.  I think he got married and had a shit ton of kids.  He’s also really into fitness and appears to have been the inspiration for the casting goals for the Jersey Shore reality show.  If you were into Danny, you probably like guys who lift, tan and believe in old fashioned relationship goals.  You likely are helping him bench press your youngest child over his head right now.

favorite-new-kids-block-member-infuenced-love-life

Photo: Pinterest

I saved the best for last, Donnie Wahlberg:  Donnie was the “bad boy” of the NKOTB.  He has tattoos, thrust his junk on the edge of the stage, and comes from one of Boston’s most beloved working class families.  I’ve had several government cheese cheeseburgers at the famous Wahlburgers, and I’m not mad about it.  He married Jenny McCarthy a few years ago he currently plays a detective on the tv series Blue Bloods.   If you were into Donnie, you liked guys who had an appetite for trouble and beautiful women.  You didn’t date him for a long while you were both young.  You likely spent years dating guys just like him until you just decided to be happy and now you’re probably settled down with a nice, sensible man.    At least, that’s what finally happened to me. I’m not looking back and neither should you.  Despite what Jenny McCarthy has done, you don’t marry bad boys.  You date them, cry over them, and block them on all social media.

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Photo: Pinterest

 

Who was your favorite guy?  Here’s their pick for favorite girls. (P.S. It’s you!)

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Go on MTV.com.

Seriously.

I just went on there to read a Pretty Little Liars interview (I know, somehow THAT doesn’t make me feel old??) and started to scroll through their news feed, and I literally couldn’t find anything relevant to my life.

There were names of people and tv shows that I have never even heard of.

I have many times admitted to pretty much living under a rock, but still when the hell did I get so old?

The same thing happens to me when things get added on Netflix.

For instance, the other day I was so excited that they added Party of Five (I will always heart Griffin Holbrook/Jeremy London), and as soon as the show started, I remembered when it premiered. I was 14 when that show started. I was a freshman in high school.

how-to-instanly-age-yourself

Not the London from Dazed and Confused.  Photo credit: Pinterest

Also, Gretchen Wieners was, like, 11 when the Party started.  Whenever I do the Mean Girls math, I remember that film came out in 2004!

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Gretchen Wieners before her hair was full of secrets. (Pinterest)

Sweet baby cheeses.

My 20th high school reunion is NEXT YEAR.

This just can’t be.

But it is.

I can’t sit with anyone.  I can’t fit in.

And you want to know why?

how-to-instanly-age-yourself

Photo credit: Salon.com

Word, Darryl Philbin.

If you’re old(ish), when do you realize this fact? What pop culture triggers you into instantly aging yourself?

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So, I’m an expat, but I’m still an American citizen.  So are the rest of my family and friends back home in America.

This past election was beyond divisive and horrible, and it’s not looking like things are going to get much better.

All along, there was one woman who could have explained why working people are sick of the establishment, and it certainly wasn’t Hillary Clinton.

There was also one woman who could tell us all, perfectly, how the establishment will work to “keep jobs” in the USA.

And she explains it far better than any pundit or politician ever could have.

So, here it is…

Roseanne attempted to run for President, and there’s a movie documenting it.  She’s a bit out there, but this clip from the mid 90’s couldn’t be truer today.

So, now that we’ve all soaked in that ray of the sunshine, who’s thirsty?  Ugh.

via GIPHY

How are you feeling nearly a month out?  Here’s to hoping that 2017 isn’t as giant a dumpster fire as 2016 has been, but I don’t have much hope.  Do you?

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