how-to-instantly-age-yourself

Go on MTV.com.

Seriously.

I just went on there to read a Pretty Little Liars interview (I know, somehow THAT doesn’t make me feel old??) and started to scroll through their news feed, and I literally couldn’t find anything relevant to my life.

There were names of people and tv shows that I have never even heard of.

I have many times admitted to pretty much living under a rock, but still when the hell did I get so old?

The same thing happens to me when things get added on Netflix.

For instance, the other day I was so excited that they added Party of Five (I will always heart Griffin Holbrook/Jeremy London), and as soon as the show started, I remembered when it premiered. I was 14 when that show started. I was a freshman in high school.

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Not the London from Dazed and Confused.  Photo credit: Pinterest

Also, Gretchen Wieners was, like, 11 when the Party started.  Whenever I do the Mean Girls math, I remember that film came out in 2004!

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Gretchen Wieners before her hair was full of secrets. (Pinterest)

Sweet baby cheeses.

My 20th high school reunion is NEXT YEAR.

This just can’t be.

But it is.

I can’t sit with anyone.  I can’t fit in.

And you want to know why?

how-to-instanly-age-yourself

Photo credit: Salon.com

Word, Darryl Philbin.

If you’re old(ish), when do you realize this fact? What pop culture triggers you into instantly aging yourself?

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So, I’m an expat, but I’m still an American citizen.  So are the rest of my family and friends back home in America.

This past election was beyond divisive and horrible, and it’s not looking like things are going to get much better.

All along, there was one woman who could have explained why working people are sick of the establishment, and it certainly wasn’t Hillary Clinton.

There was also one woman who could tell us all, perfectly, how the establishment will work to “keep jobs” in the USA.

And she explains it far better than any pundit or politician ever could have.

So, here it is…

Roseanne attempted to run for President, and there’s a movie documenting it.  She’s a bit out there, but this clip from the mid 90’s couldn’t be truer today.

So, now that we’ve all soaked in that ray of the sunshine, who’s thirsty?  Ugh.

via GIPHY

How are you feeling nearly a month out?  Here’s to hoping that 2017 isn’t as giant a dumpster fire as 2016 has been, but I don’t have much hope.  Do you?

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The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane

Forward/Forewarn:  2016 has been one shitshow of a year.  It’s not even over yet, and I’m fucking done.  I quite honestly can’t take hearing anything else about Donald Trump, and he hasn’t even been inaugurated yet.  So, in an attempt to distract myself from my boring research papers and the shitshow happening back home in the USA, I have been distracting myself with newly added Netflix features.  So, I’m probably going to write shit about films I watch and the observations I make.  

I (repeatedly) tell people that I live under a rock.  I do.  And I live under said rock, mostly, because I think a lot of stuff is terrible/dumb.  Like, someone was talking to me about Vanderpump Rules the other day, and I didn’t know what the hell they were talking about.  Then, after googling it, I wish I still didn’t.

Their response to my Vanderpump feelings was…

when pippi longstocking met norman bates

Photo credit: Bravo/Google

I’ve been called worse.

Anyhoo, this isn’t a post about that annoying and vapid shit.

It is a post about how I managed to live 36 years and not watch the film The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane starring a young Jodie Foster.

All I kept thinking while watching this movie was, ‘this is the story of Pippi Longstocking meets Norman Bates’.

Jodie Foster plays Rynn, (which is SO creepy because some of my friends called me “Rin” and “Rinny”), a thirteen (or fourteen) year old eccentric girl living in a New England house with her father – who is ‘seemingly’ never there.

During the first 45 minutes of the film, viewers don’t know what the fuck is going on with Rynn.  She continuously tells people (including a young Martin Sheen playing a paedophile) that her father (a published poet) is either ‘in the study/asleep/or with his publisher in NYC’.

(Spoiler:  Rynn’s dad is dead.)  

All hell breaks loose when Rynn’s crotchety landlady (and mother of creepy Martin Sheen), Mrs Hallet, shows up and demands to speak to her father.  She makes several attempts to outsmart Rynn and divulge the fact that she knows she is living on her own and up to something.

On her final attempt, Mrs Hallet finds an awful truth in the basement, slips, hits her head, and becomes the SECOND corpse in the cellar.  The other one being Rynn’s estranged mother whom her father instructed her to poison and kill as per his dying wish/instruction (which we find out later.)

Rynn then makes friends with the nephew of the town’s most incompetent officer, a local magician named Mario.

Fun fact:  The actor who played Mario, Scott Jacoby, is the dude who played Dorthy Zbornak’s son on several episodes of The Golden Girls.  

when pippi longstocking met norman bates

Photo credit: IMDB/Google

Mario isn’t even slightly concerned that he has befriended a bordering on serial killer and even participates in cleaning up her crimes.  I mean, we learn that she has done all of this for what she believes to be the right reasons. Rynn isn’t a bad girl.  She is an eccentric girl who is a victim of a custody battle between dysfunctional people.

The crotchety old landlady, a known bitch about town, was just collateral damage.

Hollywood often makes children look evil, creepy, and downright demonic at times.  Just think about the number of films dedicated to hoards of adult-slaying children living among cornfields.

So what the hell does this movie, or main character have in common with Pippi Longstocking?  Much like Pippi Longstocking, Rynn is a strong young lady who has been empowered by her father.  Maybe she didn’t have a shitload of gold, a pet monkey, or wash her floors by skating on brushes, but Rynn and Pippi are sisters from another mister.

They both know how to get shit done.

Both Pippi and Rynn were able to  Kevin McCallister a few people throughout their adventures, because seriously, adults can be meddling assholes sometimes.

when pippi longstocking met norman bates

Photo credit: Google

And as we’ve witnessed over the past year, most adults cannot be entrusted with important, life-altering decisions.

Okay, but the what the hell does this movie, or the main character have in common with Norman Bates?  Rynn murders her mother with a poisonous chemical.   Rynn learned how to preserve the body of her dead mother  (she looked it up at the library, duh.)  She also had a somewhat unconventional relationship with her father in which he kept her isolated from school and socialisation while also convincing her not to trust outsiders, including her mother whom he instructed her to kill.

Sure, Rynn doesn’t dress up like her father or throw her voice to carry on conversations with her dissociative personalities, but even still, she is not like other thirteen-year-old girls.  The last similarity between Rynn Jacobs and Norman Bates is the impression we get that she will continue to “remove” any adult who stands to threaten her independence.  In the final scene of the film, Frank Hallet (the pedo son of her crotchety landlady) creeps out from hiding in the cellar to tell Rynn that he found evidence that she killed his mother.  He offers to stay quiet in exchange for dominance over her to which her response was to poison his tea and kill him.

when pippi longstocking met norman bates

“Cheers, fuckface.” Photo credit: Google

Spoiler again:  This is how the film ends.

It’s not like Rynn stabbed the guy in the shower while wearing one of those glasses, nose, and moustache masks, or anything.  But we also don’t get to know Rynn as an adult. She’s bound to be a bit imbalanced after the turn of events.

Pippi Longstocking could bench press a horse and turn herself into a propeller, but she didn’t kill anyone.  She was excellent at outsmarting grown-ups.

Norman Bates could make a killer cup of tea but also killed people.  He was excellent at preserving the remains for future lunch dates.

In conclusion, I didn’t go to film school.

Clearly.

Have you seen this film?  Were you a Pippi Longstocking fan?  I used to follow the girl who played Pippi in the newer movie from the 80’s, but her political views on Twitter were horrible, so I had to unfollow.  

Also, I hate social media.  

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Things People Shouldn't Do

I’m back.  I haven’t been here for a hot minute.  You’re about to find out why.  I’ve been in hiding (and studying).

Sometimes I feel like I have so much to offer the world.  Just this past week I coached two people into following their passions and believing in themselves.

The outcomes?

They both got new careers and couldn’t be happier.

Pursuing passions and starting new careers are things people should do.

I think – and I’m surely not alone here –  there are many things I can strongly urge people shouldn’t do.

And thus, a new topic of conversation has been introduced to the blog.

Things people shouldn’t do.

Things People Shouldn't Do

 

What I’m going to tell you today would sound like common sense to most, but believe me, I used to think my common sense was stronger than my book smarts.

I thought this observation was accurate until I watched YouTube while holding scissors.

Yes, this past June, on one of my monthly trips down the YouTube Rabbit Hole, I did the very thing that I IMPLORE you not do.  I watched a tutorial on how to cut bangs (or, fringe as they say here in the UK), pulled out the scissors, and I cut my fucking hair.

Instant regret.  Even to this day, October 7th, I am reminded of this horrible life choice.

I won’t even show you a picture.  I will instead provide you with a visual aid to give you an idea what my hair looked like for approximately 45 days.

Things You Shouldn't Do

Photo credit: BuzzFeed via portlandmercury.com

The sad thing is, I have done this before.  MULTIPLE times.

MULTIPLE times.

Every time I think, “This time it will be different, I will look good” and then, yeah, never.

You know that famously misquoted saying, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.”?  That’s me when it comes to bangs.

It’s maddening.

Things You Shouldn't Do (Cut Your Own Bangs)

I’m crazy when it comes to my hair.  But I don’t think I’m alone, and that is why I am making this public service announcement.

No matter how fantastic the YouTuber, DO NOT watch their tutorial on how to cut your own hair while holding scissors.

You will cut, and you could very possibly end up looking like shit.

Being held captive in your apartment for the entire summer, imprisoned by bobby pins.

And especially noteworthy:  If you live in a climate where it rains all the fucking time (like I do) DON’T do bangs/fringe.  You will get rained on, and you will look like Brett Michaels.

Heed my warning.

Expectation:  (I blame Zooey for this every single time.)

Things You Shouldn't Do

Photo credit: Pinterest/Google

Reality: (And I’m not even exaggerating in the slightest.)

Things You Shouldn't Do

Photo credit: Google

Any questions?

Visit a professional and let them talk you out of it.

The regrowth period.  Is.  Painful.

No.

Oops!  I did it again.

Have you ever cut your own hair?  Did you regret it?  I still love YouTube, tho.

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Caleb Rivers Could Be Mary Drake’s Son

Caleb Rivers could be Mary Drake’s son.

Okay, okay.  We’re all making theories.  We’re all running out of brain cells with which we can (not) stop ourselves from utilising on Marlene King’s mindfuck of a mystery that is Pretty Little Liars.  

I don’t have much to go on.  However, upon a rewatch.  (Yes, I’m in grad school and have a shit ton of school work, and yet STILL find the time to theorise of this god forsaken show!)

But I digress.

Upon a rewatch episode 3×19 – “What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted?” – Hanna finds out that Caleb’s ‘Uncle-Daddy’, Jamie Doyle, lives in Amish Country.  

I know that the WB backlot probably only has one barn to use for 25 television shows, but the barn Jamie is working in looks pretty familiar.

via GIPHY

And then in 7×03, “The Talented Mr Rollins” Aria and Hanna visit Amish Country to find out more about Elliot Rollins.

 

via GIPHY

But back to Caleb…

We don’t know anything about Caleb’s “real” mother, Claudia Dawson.  We are aware she lives in Montecito, CA and that she has a shit ton of cash.

We know that when Caleb was 5/6 years old, his aunt left him with a babysitter and nobody ever came back for him.

I know, why would Claudia admit to being Caleb’s mother (and have a PI track him down) if he wasn’t hers?

Maybe because she believes that the Caleb we know is her son.

In 3×04, “Birds of a Feather“, we see a computer screen accessing Radley’s patient database removing visitor restrictions for Mona.

‘A’ is at the Montecito Airport – presumably to intimidate  Caleb’s ‘mother’ and run her off the road.  WHY?

Again, WHY?  That’s a lot of effort to just get back at Hanna.  I suppose that Caleb is sticking his nose in, but again, there has to be more as to why ‘A’ would target Caleb’s mother.

Caleb goes out to visit his mother and comes back with an expensive Mercedes-Benz and new clothing – she let him drive back to Pennsylvania on his own in her car?

I don’t know.  It all seems a bit odd.

Maybe Jamie ‘Uncle-Daddy’ Doyle had a thing for Radley hotties. Perhaps at the same time, he was having a relationship with Caleb’s mother he ALSO had a relationship with Mary Drake.

Maybe Jamie was a patient at Radley also?

Is it possible that Jamie kidnapped Caleb, and that’s why at the age of six he was eventually “left with a babysitter”, and they never came back for him?

Could Caleb have been switched with Claudia’s real son?

From the tone of Caleb’s early childhood stories, he was a kid placed in dangerous situations at a young age, rather than born into one.

I mean, c’mon, you (usually) don’t end up sleeping in high school HVAC system at sixteen if you come from a stable affair.

I mean, unless you’re Alison.  Well, technically she was sleeping rough, but, again, her family is super fucked up too.

Anyhoo.

I also find it very suspicious that we’ve never met Caleb’s mother, but then again, we’ve never met Jenna’s or Toby’s folks either.

Or Noel’s for that matter.

Also, Caleb just happened to “bump into Spencer” in Spain during the flash forward?

I’ve had some weird random connections in life.

However, we all know that there are no coincidences in Rosewood (or between any of its previous residents!).

I’m not saying that Caleb is AD.

I’m not even suggesting that he’s bad, but he has always been sketchy in a vigilante type of way to me.

I need to stop watching this show.

You’re killing us all, Marlene.

Could Caleb Rivers be Mary Drake's son? I think it's totally possible. #pllchat #calebisAD Click To Tweet

Any thoughts?